Beach Bimmer

Seriously, I need some Realtor and/or developer jokes that other area (Pensacola to PCB) Realtors would "get" and/or appreciate. Collecting them for a private party we've been asked to put together @ Fired Up...

If you'd prefer to remain anonymous, just PM or email 'em to FiredUpSeaside@aol.com.

BTW, please help me keep secret who the party is for...no blurting it out on Sowal.com!

DD

http://www.realestatehumor.com/

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I love Jesus, but I drink a little. ~Gladys




DD, I toad you it was pucking hot.~~Kitty

Miss Kitty

...oh please please please let SHELLY show up!

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The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open.

DD

http://www.azlistedhomes.com/Real_Estate_Jokes.html

__________________
I love Jesus, but I drink a little. ~Gladys




DD, I toad you it was pucking hot.~~Kitty

Beach Runner

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a real estate agent who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a real estate agent!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate agent!"

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SWGB

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SWGB

Q: How do get a real estate agent's attention.


A: Tell the busboy you need some help.
----------
Q: What do you call 1000 realtors at the bottom of the ocean


A: A good start
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Q: How do you know when a realtor is lieing?


A: Their lips are moving.
--------

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InletBchDweller

I dont know whether to or ......

they are funny though!!!

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elgordoboy

Rofl..skip those jokes and just them a--h-le-. It 'd be kinder. OP probably was looking for more upbeat. But the fact of posting those was sorta funny nevertheless.

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Haters gonna hate, Ballers gonna ball

Miss Kitty

This is some good recycling...two are former lawyer jokes!

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The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open.

NoHall

First, I want to point out that those are lawyer jokes. And second, as someone who used to research real estate for lawyers, I want to point out that you should never, ever confuse realtors and lawyers. Those are two different species altogether. (If you don't believe me, go to your local real estate records room and just watch...)

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SHELLY

Sorry, I can't help you....way too much material. For the past couple of years, the entire RE market has been one, big, long, HUGE joke and the Realtors® weren't laughing .

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/shared/...ORS_MIKE5.html

http://www.orlrealtor.smugmug.com/ga...#83958465-A-LB



.

__________________
But hey...Top Ramen tastes a whole lot better when you eat it off of a Granite Countertop. (Mr & Mrs Too Much Homebuyer)

Florida State Flower

elgordoboy

I'll try and recycle a couple I know.
Q: How many realtors invaded the Alamo?

A: 600...they only had two cars.

Q: What did Davy Crockett say to Jim Bowie at the Alamo that morning when the realtors showed up to attack?

A: Are we pouring concrete today?

Hmm..my chosen sub group doesn't seem as interchangeable as lawyers..but my funny meter has been off lately maybe it's HIlarious.

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Haters gonna hate, Ballers gonna ball

SWGB

I know it was just too easy. I'll avoid the realtor/surfer/shark references.

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SWGB

I know, it was a spur of the moment thing and I hope I didn't offend anyone.

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Yellow Hammer

How do you get a real estate agent off your porch?

Pay him/her for the pizza.
__________________________________________________ ______________

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It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses

Bobby J

As and agent I give 100%!

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

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www.lifeonshore.com
www.beachpropertiesofflorida.com
www.bobbyjblog.com

Miss Kitty

Sorry about the way this pasted, but it is a good one....

ONE LAWYER YOU HAVE TO LOVE

As most of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two
centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!! This is one lawyer you gotta love!!...... It's too good not to share!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter): 'Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.'

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

'Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the
world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?'

The loan was approved

Yes, this probably is only a urban myth but it's a good one!

=

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The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open.

Busta Hustle

here is a NWF Daily News "hilarious" quote from a local realtor about his fellow realtors, "If you could fog a mirror you could make money in 2004 and 2005"

NoHall

Kitty, your joke predates Katrina. I read that a long time ago. (But as someone who once had to take a title back 125 years, I love that one!)

As long as we're hijacking with lawyer jokes, here's my festive contribution:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

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SHELLY

FROM THE HOUSING BUBBLE BLOG:

--------------------------------------
REAL ESTATE AGENT LICENSE TEST: Mutliple Choice

1) The buyer asks when to purchase. You should reply;

a) When you're financially secure
b) If you can shoe-horn 5 renters as a backup
c) it’s a great time to buy


2) The buyer has just declared Bankruptcy, has 11 kids, is a single mother on public assistance & has a terminal illness. Your advice?

a) get your personal affairs in order
b) spend every last dime on beer, cigarettes & lottery tickets
c) now is a great time to buy


3. The Feds are raiding your corporate office & your branch manager has locked himself in his office with a large bottle of whiskey & a shotgun. Do you .. ??

a) help the receptionist shred files
b) have one last afternooner w/receptionist for old times sake
c) tell prospect on phone it's a great time to buy


4) Your newlywed nephew has a lot of cash from gifts from relatives, and is eager to buy his first new home. He and his new bride come to you with faith on getting a good deal. Do you . ..

a) show them houses in their price range
b) show them houses in your price range
c) steer them only to houses in their upper price range & a little beyond, while advising it's a great time to buy

TEST ENDS. SUBMIT WITH YEARLY DUES FOR REVIEW.
------------------------------------------

/

__________________
But hey...Top Ramen tastes a whole lot better when you eat it off of a Granite Countertop. (Mr & Mrs Too Much Homebuyer)

Florida State Flower

T.Cline

beachpal2

Reprint from Walton Undercurrent June, 2004 Edition
Even though I just started selling real estate a year ago and haven't gotten a commission check in four months, I drive a Mercedes, which means that I can sell your property fast! In fact, I put my Mercedes in all of my real estate ads and talk about it wherever I go so that you will feel comfortable knowing that I, Rhonda Moore, will work my overextended ass off to sell your property faster than any other agent on the Emerald Coast. I seriously can't imagine why anyone would want to use a Realtor that doesn't drive a Mercedes. Sure, you could list your property with a Realtor that drives a midrange car or sport utility vehicle. But trust me, a Realtor that drives a Ford Explorer won't work half as hard as I will since they probably aren't suffocating under the weight of a monthly car payment that leaves them with less than a hundred dollars for utilities, gas and food. While other Realtors who drive American made mid-priced cars are sleeping soundly at night in their beds, you can know that I will be wide-awake with my stomach ulcer desperately thinking of ways to sell your property quickly so that I can make my next Mercedes payment. Not convinced yet? Well I also have the smallest cell phone money can buy. It takes pictures and has a speakerphone and cost over four hundred dollars! Surely you've seen my ad where I'm talking on my fabulously small cell phone on the beach next to my Mercedes. It gives me crystal clear reception anywhere on 30-A to talk to buyers, sellers and Ms. Barker of the Recovery section of AmSouth Bank's auto loan department. A Mercedes and tiny cellular phone that are pulling me down into an inescapable pit of debt - now if this isn't motivation to sell your beach house or condo more quickly than anyone on the beautiful Emerald Coast, I don't know what it is!

Yellow Hammer

STATE OF MICHIGAN

• • • • • • • • • • Reply to:
                    GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE
                    STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
                    350 OTTAWA NW
                    GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341

JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi us
RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director

• • • • • • • December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED


Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm Count-,),
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

• • • • • Sincerely,

• • • • • David L. Price
          District Representative
          Land and Water Management Division
          616-356-0269

dlp:bjc
cc: LWMD, Lansing

• MontcaImCEA
  Pierson Township
  Lieutenant Mary C. Sherzer, DNR LED

Reply:
1/6/98


David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Bldg., 6th Floor
350 Ottawa, N.W.
Grand Rapids, MI 49503-2341
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris". I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedten xc: PETA

__________________
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses